Living in a state of fear

I don’t have anxiety but I definetly fall into the extreme worry wart category. It’s gotten better over the years or so I thought I think it’s hit my full force again. At first I was so angry (another emotion that become prevalent in my life) angry that I’m losing control over myself again. Worrying for me is deterimental it makes every thing ten times harder as my attention and energy is being pulled in to different directions. I try my hardest to stay present in the now especially when I’m with people I love , doing things I love and trying to relax. But I can just hear my worries screaming at me in the back of my mind. It’s painful, uncomfortable and fucking annoying. It’s times like that that I really envy free spirts and young children. I wish I could just let loose let go and do things at the drop of hat. I’m so corncerned with so many things that I feel like I’m mentally suffocating. I’m worried about my family, my health, my relationships, the world, my city, my education,my future, money  etc. All these worries tend to boogle down to one thing – “am I good enough?”. I’m so afraid that as a person I’m not good enough: to do great things, to make an impact, to have long lasting relationships, to be valued by others, to be loved and to live a fulfilling happy life. I’m so afraid that life is going to go by in a flash and I’m going to miss it and regret so much. I don’t want to be 40 with a list of regrets . I’m not really asking for much all I really want in my life is to be happy, to be at peace, to grow and to be fulfilled. I don’t have the answer to my problem yet but what I do know is that there are four things that encourage this obsessive worrying behaviour: my relationships, my monkey mind, low self esteem and lack of confidence. I’m choosing to put my foot down and stop allowing my circumstances, thoughts and people to control me. I have the freedom to make things happen in my life and this is something I’m goin to change. I don’t expect to wake up one day worry free but I do aim to achieve a state of homeostasis a point in which no circumstance ,thought or person will ever dictate how I feel , what I do and what I think.

I know that a lot of this worrying behaviour comes from childhood experiences. As children we tend to pick up a lot of our traits from our parents ,siblings and people around us. I know that my worrying stems from my mother and a fear of not being accepted by others. I remember very distinctly how all the “cool” kids in my schools looked, acted, spoke and interacted with others. I then looked at myself in comparison and realised I was the complete opposite. I was shy, reserved, awkward, poor social skills and didn’t like myself. If I’m honest most of those traits still linger til this day . I don’t think I’m very good with people. To top it all off I’m a people pleaser I like seeing people happy but I take it to the extreme and break my back trying to make others happy. I do things for people I know they wouldn’t  do for me or I would do for myself. 

I’m just over it.

I’m over caring so dam hard.

Tired of crying.

Tired of worrying 

If people love me then cool if they don’t then I guess that’s that.

If people fuck with me then cool and if they don’t then I’ll live .

I don’t hate people in fact I love them but I just hate how I allow people to metaphorically control my life.

I hope and pray I never make someone else feel indebted to me. 

One day I plan to have kids about five lol . I want my kids to be happy, authentic, outspoken, optimistic, independent and disciplined. I want to be able to give them all they need to be setup to live a leaders life. I can’t do that if I’m mentally all over the place. So I do this not for myself but for the sake of my future babies lol . 

I can’t always rely on myself or others to get to were I want to be but I know that my future children are more than enough to get me to were I want to be. 

I know God  put me in this Earth for a reason. I don’t know what for just yet but I know dam straight it’s not to waste my time wallowing in my problems .

I just want to be happy……

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